Giving and receiving apologies

 Relationships  Comments Off on Giving and receiving apologies
Nov 192013
 

It would be impossible for the seven billion of us living on planet Earth not to tread on each other’s toes and rub each other up the wrong way from time to time. So, when it happens, how can we best deal with it in order to repair the situation?

When to apologise (and when not to)

For some, “sorry” is the hardest word to say, while for others, the word spills from their lips with such frequency it appears to be their default response to anything that happens.

If you’re in the latter category, I recommend you give some thought to why this is. What are you apologising for? Are you actually responsible for whatever has gone wrong? I’m thinking here of the times I’ve apologised for stuff that nobody could logically consider my fault, such as when my cousin came to visit me and it rained. Because as I was growing up I felt myself blamed for all sorts of things that were far outside my control, I continue to feel the impulse to seek forgiveness for practically any negative event that takes place around me.

It’s an impulse I need to resist, for several reasons.  An endless stream of apologies can be irritating, prompting the people on the receiving end to react in one of two ways: either they will feel obliged to keep reassuring the apologiser, when they might more usefully be concentrating on sorting out the problem, or they may buy into the grovelling and start berating the apologiser for whatever has transpired, whether or not it was her fault. Constant apologising can backfire and, in any case, the guilt and shame that accompany it are corrosive.

However, this is not to say you should never apologise unless you have personally and deliberately done someone down. Not taking responsibility when the buck stops with you is even worse than assuming responsibility for events outside your control. It is the antithesis of leadership, integrity and courage – and it rarely fools anybody anyway. If I go into a busy restaurant, for example, where I have booked a table and the waiter says he has no record of my booking and there is no table available, I will feel far more mollified if he apologises and offers to make amends, rather than blaming the mistake on junior staff and shrugging it off.

In some circumstances, it can take a lot of strength and confidence to apologise for an unintended consequence of something you’ve done, but in my experience it can be a healing and immensely helpful thing to do. What I have in mind here is the times my partner inadvertently upsets me. In some areas, I’m extremely sensitive and easily distressed and, when everything is fine, I accept I have to take responsibility for this and not force those around me to walk on eggshells. Once the wrong button has been pushed, though, I find it very hard not to react in childish ways, either crying and screaming in rage or withdrawing and hiding in fear. With most people, this behaviour tends simply to escalate the situation, as they feel threatened and defend themselves either by whinging (this is how it feels to me at the time) about how this isn’t their fault and I’m being unfair, or by attacking me back. I thank God that my man has the wisdom and strength to respond to me as the child I become in that state. He tells me calmly, gently and sincerely that he’s sorry for whatever it was he said or did that upset me. He puts his arms around me and we talk about it till it’s all over. He learns from each incident and never makes the same mistake twice, and gradually I’m learning too that I can trust him and need to deal with these things in a more grown-up way.

How to apologise

The thing to remember when you’re apologising is that it’s for the other person’s benefit, not yours. If the purpose of your saying sorry is purely to elicit absolution from the wronged party, spare a thought in advance for how you may feel if absolution is not forthcoming. If your transgression has been serious, you may need to give the other person some time and space to process what has happened before you can expect a move towards forgiveness – but just because you don’t receive it immediately it doesn’t mean you will never get it.

A meaningful apology, one that can repair the damage, obviously has to come from the heart. It also has to come with no strings attached and never be followed by the word ‘but’. And it goes without saying that your apology has got to be accompanied by a change in behaviour – or at least a clear and sustained attempt that moves steadily in the right direction. You don’t have to be perfect but you do have to be sincere.

How to receive an apology

If someone is constantly showering you with unwarranted apologies, it’s useful to point this out. In case the person hasn’t realised they have this tendency, making them aware of it can help them to change it. If it goes on and you have the sort of relationship that allows this kind of thing, I recommend you challenge the apologising and talk supportively about what’s behind it.

If the apology is both warranted and sincere, accept it and say thank you. If the transgression has been so serious that you need time to process it, by all means say so – and take that time – but, if the wrongdoer is genuinely sorry, rejecting the apology will just make it harder to heal the rift. The angrier and more upset you are, the more difficult it almost certainly is for the person who has caused it to apologise. This being the case, if he/she has summoned the courage and humility to say sorry, I feel it’s only fair to accept it graciously. Then you can both start work on putting things right.

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Managing conflict

 Relationships  Comments Off on Managing conflict
Nov 122013
 

As we pass another Remembrance Day, I’ve been reflecting on one of those memes that circle the internet:

10% of conflicts is due to difference in opinion and 90% is due to wrong tone of voice.

Following on from last week’s post, I would add ‘wrong choice of words’ to ‘wrong tone of voice’, but I believe there is a great deal of truth in the idea that how we treat each other matters much more than our differences of opinion.

I think I’ve mentioned before a blog I follow about public-speaking skills. In a recent post, the writer/coach talks about how best to approach speaking on a discussion panel and she highlights the problem that so many events billed as debates or discussions are, in reality, just about posturing, sneering and bullying. On the Public Speaking Skills Facebook page, a contributor quoted the philosopher Karl Popper as saying: “I may be wrong and you may be right, and by an effort, we may get nearer to the truth.” This admirable attitude requires those on both sides of the argument to stay grounded and to respect the opponents – a big ask, but think about the rewards! Not only would we get nearer to the truth, which has got to be the only productive way forward, but we would vastly reduce the amount and intensity of conflict around the world.

Bullying may secure compliance but it’s never going to win hearts and minds. We see this on the global stage and within our own homes. Laughing at me, telling me I’m stupid or otherwise belittling me is not going to persuade me to your point of view. If I’m feeling strong, I’ll fight back more fiercely than before, no longer listening to your arguments but defending myself and attacking you as hard as I can. If I’m feeling weak, I may capitulate – but that is far from the same as agreeing with you and my resentment will simmer until I can get my revenge.

The best way to manage conflict is to be reasonable, to make concessions where the other person has a good case and to engage with the parts of the opposing case that seem to you wrong, calmly illuminating the flaws in it without asserting your superiority. It may be exciting when sparks fly, but a productive debate is one with more light than heat.

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Say what you mean

 Relationships  Comments Off on Say what you mean
Nov 052013
 

Words are a powerful and under-rated currency. The words we choose – and the tone in which we convey them – can be every bit as important as the meaning behind them. Actually, that’s not quite accurate because often the whole problem with the unfortunate choice of words is the true meaning it betrays, the meaning beneath the one ostensibly being expressed, of which the speaker may be consciously unaware. The listener may also be consciously unaware of the underlying message, though unconsciously he or she receives it loud and clear. Although I know nothing about neuro-linguistic programming, I believe this is its central principle.

When I find myself getting irritated with someone, I’ve developed the habit of trying to analyse what exactly is riling me and more often than not it’s about language. For example, the device of phrasing a request, “Do you want to…?” (as in, “Do you want to fetch my slippers for me?”) never fails to provoke my ire. No, I don’t want to. But if you ask me nicely then I will do it for you willingly.

My mother’s way of discussing plans is to use all sorts of expressions of obligation – we should, we must, we’d better – when what she really means is I want to. It took me over forty years to decode this message; before, I always went along with what she suggested because the language in which she couched it tapped into my sense of duty. I’m sure she doesn’t realise this is what she does but, over the decades, it’s done a remarkable job of getting her her own way.

Something else that annoys me is when people give me some news that disappoints me and then say, “Is that all right?”. If you’re letting me down, apologise and don’t try to manoeuvre me into letting you instantly off the hook.

That’s the problem in all these cases: I feel manipulated. And I can’t be the only one who has this reaction. Be honest with yourself about what you’re wanting from another person when you’re interacting with them; then be as open and honest as you can with them and I believe you’ll get a better result than you will by using weasel words.

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Thinking outside the box

 Facilitating change, Setting and achieving goals  Comments Off on Thinking outside the box
Oct 292013
 

A trip to the dentist a few days ago reminded me of the value of thinking outside the box. I’ve always hated having my teeth X-rayed because the equipment is somewhat cumbersome and I gag on it, turning what should be a quick and efficient process into an ordeal. Imagine my relief, therefore, when my erstwhile torturer suggested we try a new approach this time and took the shots with me sitting up instead of lying down. The upright position allowed me to breathe more easily and to feel more in control and the images were done before I’d even had time to worry about it.

How often in life do we force ourselves to endure and struggle through tasks and experiences that really needn’t be so difficult? Speaking for myself, when I come up against an obstacle, my first (and often only) idea is to push harder and harder, to whip myself on until somehow I blunder out the other side. I chastise myself for being feeble, lazy, cowardly – whatever fits the situation – but it very rarely occurs to me that perhaps I could do this differently. I’m aware, at one level, that if I always do what I’ve always done, I’ll always get what I’ve always got, but my answer always seems to be try harder!

If at first you don’t succeed, stand back and look at the big picture. Start by analysing the objective: what are you trying to achieve? Is it actually feasible? And necessary? To take a banal example, if you want to tidy this room, you might try to shove all the extraneous stuff into that cupboard. It won’t fit. And there is absolutely no point in keeping on trying to make it fit, getting crosser and more frustrated as the door won’t shut and every time you open it something falls out. You’re failing not because you’re rubbish at stashing things but because it’s a bad plan. So change it.

This is a lesson I’m still in the process of learning but it’s such a useful one. I’m grateful to my dentist, both for finding a solution to the X-ray problem and for prompting me to shake up my own thinking.

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The pros and cons of gossip

 Relationships, Sense of self  Comments Off on The pros and cons of gossip
Oct 222013
 

Human beings have been gossiping since they first learnt to communicate. It’s a basic social instinct and serves several useful functions, but it can be nasty and it can be dangerous and it needs to be approached with sense and discretion.

If we take the definition of gossip to be chit-chatting about trivial matters, it can be beneficial both as a way of disseminating information that is of help or interest to the hearer and as a means of two or more people bonding. It keeps us up to date with what’s going on, makes us feel part of the community and is an important social lubricant.

Even when the subject is more serious, gossiping about it can be useful. Other people’s opinions may shed light on the situation and articulating our own views can help us to evaluate them and keep them sharp. What distinguishes gossip from either smalltalk or discussion is the element of rumour and speculation it typically involves, but this is not inherently bad. Hypothetical conversations can give us an opportunity to consider our options and prepare ourselves for eventualities – for example, if word spreads in a company of coming redundancies or relocation. As long as it’s clear we’re talking about possibilities and hearsay rather than solid facts, there is nothing wrong with this sort of gossip.

The problem with gossip – and the reason it’s so often used as a pejorative term – is its tendency to slide into backbiting and bitchiness. Over the years I have become very wary of participating in gossip, particularly of a negative variety, when it pertains to individuals. Admittedly, it can be handy to be apprised of what the word on the street is in relation to someone you may be getting involved with, in a personal or business capacity, but you should never assume gossip is true without checking the evidence. So much is reported and distorted – or simply invented – out of spite, jealousy or other selfish and destructive motive that you have to employ your own judgement and decide for yourself whether the gossip is in any way fair. Don’t believe everything you hear!

The sad fact is, exchanging unpleasantries about someone who is not present satisfies a primal human need for belonging. United with the others against a common enemy, we feel superior and safe; we are accepted, a member of the hunting pack rather than the quarry. It can be horribly easy to be swept along on the tide of dislike, buoyed up by the feelings of superiority and safety, and the situation can quickly get out of control. This is the mentality of the lynch-mob and, when you stop to think about it, it’s frightening – and not only because tomorrow the hate may turn on you.

When you find yourself in the midst of gossip, stay grounded and maintain your integrity. Betraying a friend’s confidence, or agreeing that someone you like is unspeakable because of some alleged misdemeanor you find it hard to imagine they have really committed, may earn you some short-term popularity but in the long run you will lose by this behaviour. At the very least, you’ll have a guilty conscience. Swimming counter to a groundswell of negative opinion requires courage and strength and if you don’t feel equal to the task, find a way to extricate yourself from the conversation so that you don’t have to take part.

Whether you’re spreading it or merely listening to it, insidious gossip can poison friendships and partnerships as well as reputations, because it undermines trust. Trust is a fragile commodity. It exists as a kind of contract: you earn my trust and maintain it by remaining trustworthy; in return, I give you the benefit of any doubt and talk through with you any worries I have, rather than taking the word of a third party about you. When trust is nurtured from both sides like this, it forges a positive and happy relationship – and this is worth so much more than any fleeting thrill indulged in around the now-proverbial water-cooler.

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