52 Ways to Improve Your Life

Try something new for 30 days

Jul 022013

A few weeks ago, I was discussing the pros and cons of a single-minded approach to moving life forward (see Are you fighting on too many fronts?). Some goals lend themselves better to the full-immersion quick fix than others, of course, but the short, hard push has a great deal to recommend it, as is shown here in this 3.5-minute talk about what can be achieved in 30 days:

Matt Cutts: TED Talk

I agree with Matt Cutts that the 30-day commitment can be an excellent way to make things happen, on two levels. Firstly, it’s a useful method for introducing small, sustainable changes, such as taking the stairs instead of the lift. Often, the only obstacles to adopting better habits are inertia and psychological concern about the effort involved. In these cases, trying something for 30 days can be quite enjoyable because it’s different and we can anticipate the satisfaction of achieving a short-term goal. Once we’ve been doing whatever it is for a month, though, our synapses will have changed, we’ll realise it really isn’t such an effort after all and the good habit can stick.

As Matt says, if you really want something badly enough, you can do anything for 30 days. This is true but it’s crucial that we really want it; it’s no good trying this with things you believe you ‘should’ do because, even if you make it to the end of the month, the chances are there will be no long-term advantage. For this reason, I don’t advocate Matt’s idea of negative goals – cutting out sugar, not watching the news – if that’s all they are. As he found himself, Day 31 after no sugar for four weeks was a splurge, which does nobody any good. Subtracting things you like from your life feels like a punishment and is not inspiring. Cutting out whatever it is is never the true goal, so look beyond and identify what it is you want to achieve. For example, instead of “to consume no sugar”, what you really want may be “to have healthy, glowing skin” or “to get into those trousers I love but that have become a bit snug”. Obviously, taking the stairs instead of the lift is not the ultimate goal either – it’s a small change that takes us closer to the big goal of being fit and healthy – but it’s a good mini goal because it’s clear and measurable (unlike “being fit and healthy”) and it’s positive (taking the stairs) rather than negative (stop taking the lift). The latter point may seem semantic but psychologically it’s important.

Secondly, giving ourselves 30 days to complete some discrete project we’ve been meaning to get around to is a great way to focus our mind and get it done. Writing a novel is a good example because it’s so clearly quantifiable but I think the method is also valid for reaching a certain standard in a skill such as a foreign language or a musical instrument. A lot of the benefit comes from simply giving priority to that goal and tightly focusing your attention and energy on it – something you probably wouldn’t be able to sustain over a longer period but which we can all manage for a month.

The rewards for achieving the 30-day goals we set ourselves are big and deep. I particularly like the two Matt mentions: that his confidence grows as he meets bigger and bigger challenges, and how instead of the months flying by forgotten, time spent working on a challenge is much more memorable. Trying something new for 30 days can help you to expand your comfort zone. Not only that, you will not just be drifting through the routine of your life, you will be living.

All work and no play

Overcoming procrastination Comments Off

Jun 252013

You know what they say about all work and no play. Being totally absorbed by our work makes us boring boys and girls to those around us, in the sense that we’re unavailable to play – that’s true – but this doesn’t necessarily matter, as long as we’re fulfilled by what we’re doing. If these people are your friends, rather than your dependents, they have to accept you as you are and if you’re more excited by your work than you are by going out or whatever it is they want you to do, I say go with your passion and don’t feel you have to adapt to other people’s expectations of you.

But this is a relatively rare scenario and not what I want to discuss today. A more common situation is one in which someone pushes him/herself to work all hours out of duty or fear. We’ve touched on this before when talking about procrastination and I’d like to remind you that this way lies only exhaustion and misery.

If you’re working through a long project, you need regular breaks, not just for rest (which is vital) but also for recreation. Taking time out to change your ideas and focus on something else refreshes the part of your brain that’s working on the project, so that you will have more energy and be more creative. By stopping to play sometimes, you will actually achieve more work.

So why do some people insist on working themselves into the ground? It may be partly because the fact that all work and no play makes Jack a less productive boy is counter-intuitive, but it’s also for deeper psychological reasons. Perhaps they don’t want to be seen to be taking time off because they’re afraid people will think they’re skiving. If this is a worry for you, have the confidence to operate in the way that suits you best and let them judge you not by method but by results. Or perhaps you have internalised this injunction and become your own slave-driver. In this case, I implore you to look at the big picture: you’re punishing yourself twice over, once by forcing yourself to work on when you should be recharging your batteries and again by not allowing yourself to achieve your potential because you’re always stressed and worn out.

Even if you’re not ready to accept that life is for living now as well as in the future, do take on board the pragmatic argument for rest and recuperation, that far from slowing you down overall, it will increase and improve your productivity. All work and no play is a recipe for ill health, not success.

The destructive power of boredom

Seeing the truth, Self-defeating behaviour Comments Off

Jun 182013

I’ve noticed over the years that boredom is both a symptom and cause of malaise and, although it can do no end of damage, it tends not to be taken very seriously as a problem and little, if any, sympathy is offered to sufferers. The usual reaction to a complaint of boredom seems to be a dismissive comment about it being the person’s own fault and that if you’re bored you’re boring. Which is not very helpful.

What I’m talking about here is not the fleeting pangs we all experience from time to time of wishing something more interesting was going on and looking hopefully around for distraction. This is a normal part of life and nothing to worry about. We don’t need to be stimulated and entertained on a constant basis – in fact, creativity usually thrives best in empty hours when nothing much is happening.

When I say boredom is a symptom of malaise, I mean people who feel stuck in an unfulfilling long-term situation may experience their frustration and gloom as boredom. Their lives may be full of activities that would absorb and uplift someone different but, because something vital is missing or wrong, their senses are deadened and they feel bored. Certainly this was my experience. The years I spent suppressing my own needs and desires in order to do what I thought was expected of me were covered in a thick, grey, suffocating blanket of boredom.

When I say boredom is a cause of malaise, I mean it can lead us to behave in ways we know are destructive to ourselves and often to others – eating, drinking, taking drugs, picking fights, having affairs, committing crimes, just for something to do.

And the danger is that this can become a vicious circle. I’m unfulfilled, so I indulge in behaviour I hope will stimulate me. Instead, it makes me feel even more stuck and hopeless. I feel worse… even more bored… so I return to the behaviour I dislike but which gives me temporary relief from my boredom.

How can we best confront this? It’s a tricky one because we need to tread the fine line between keeping ourselves busy in a positive way and not keeping ourselves busy in a negative way. The negative way is to fill up our time and our mind with activities that keep us from ever having the opportunity to think deeply about what the real problem is and to find a solution to it. No amount of thrill-seeking is going to compensate for a failed career or a bad relationship; this is using sticking plasters when you need antibiotics.

The first and main priority, if you’re experiencing persistent boredom, is to allow yourself to examine your feelings and work out what’s really wrong, and then take radical action to solve the problem. I know this is easy to say but, as one who has done it, I can tell you the feeling of reengaging with life and being able to enjoy it and be at peace with it is worth every ounce of stress it takes to get there.

Alongside this, there are ways we can deflect ourselves from sliding into behaviours we wish we wouldn’t keep doing. Often, I find, a shake-up of routine is enough to stop me eating too much junk or drinking too much alcohol – when I’m stimulated in other ways I simply forget to yearn for pizza and a glass of wine. This is not a long-term solution but it helps me to remember that I don’t actually need these things, I just want them, and how strong an influence habit is.

Destructive behaviour is an attempt to meet a need, so the most effective way of changing it is to identify the need it’s meeting in you and then find healthy alternatives that will do the same job.

Judicious use of self-disclosure

Facilitating change, Self-defeating behaviour Comments Off

Jun 112013

Finding the right level of self-disclosure can be like walking a tightrope. Too much and we make ourselves vulnerable, too little and we never get close to a person: it’s a tricky balance.

They say true friends are those who know us intimately and love us anyway, and that seems to me an excellent definition of a healthy and sustaining relationship with anyone, friend or relation. The question is, how do we get to that point with someone, of knowing each other intimately and feeling unconditional love and regard for each other? It’s a process that usually takes years and generally works best without the pressure of undue scrutiny but I think it’s worth being aware of the dangers of over- or under-doing self-disclosure in the early stages of getting to know people.

After decades of parading my innermost secrets, flaws and hang-ups in front of all sorts of unsuitable audiences, I finally realised this was self-defeating behaviour. Longing for affirmation, I splurged my insecurities to anyone who would listen, overwhelming them with my neediness and causing me to wake up the next morning paralysed with shame at having over-exposed myself so badly. Some people were kind but I never got what I thought I wanted from these exchanges – mainly, I see now, because I wasn’t really asking for help so much as throwing such a heavy net of negativity over someone I hardly knew that it would force them to back away, thus reinforcing my belief that I was unlovable.

Once I realised what was happening, I went almost to the other extreme and became very cagey about my personal life. This has kept me safer but it has also prevented some of my acquaintances becoming friends, since my reticence to share is keeping them at arms’ length. For the moment, I prefer it like this but I also know that Canadian psychologist Sidney Jourard hit the nail on the head when he said, “Perhaps the most important reason for self-disclosure is that without it we cannot truly love”. Intimate relationships are built on mutual trust and mutual vulnerability.

Self-disclosure leads to intimacy but it must be done gradually and in step with a similar level of revelation from the other person. Before you spill any private beans, take a few seconds (or more) to consider whether this is really a good idea, whether it will benefit the relationship at the stage it’s at now. You can always share your secret at a later date but you can’t take it back once it’s said.

Sidney Jourard’s point is valid and important but it’s also useful to bear in mind this advice from an anonymous source: “Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest just want to have something to gossip about”.

What are friends for?

Facilitating change Comments Off

Jun 042013

As is explored in this Guardian article about friendship, people have widely differing ideas and expectations of what having friends is all about. For today, I’d like to look at the issue I alluded to last week of enlisting the support of our friends as we make changes to ourselves.

Jim Morrison said a friend is “someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself” and this seems to me wonderful. My own experience has been that such people are extremely hard to find, though I suspect this may be largely because I practically never allow myself that freedom. On my journey through life, I have made friends with people who responded favourably to the me I was at the time and these relationships have generally not lasted through any significant changes I’ve made. In order to reinvent myself, I’ve had to leave behind the friends I had before and make new ones, who meet me on the ground I inhabit in my new incarnation. Most of my former friends didn’t overtly resist my changes – although some did – but I found it easier to start again and not have to keep explaining and justifying why I wanted to do things differently.

There’s a whole big world out there, full of potential friends. If your friends are holding you back, clinging to the old you, it’s got to be better to let them go than to stifle your own need to change. You’ll find others who appreciate the new you.

Conversely, of course, if you’re uncomfortable with the changes a friend of yours is making, try allowing that person total freedom to be him- or herself and see what happens. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t speak your mind if your friend is going off the rails – the changes I’m talking about are in the person’s interest, not a result of degeneration. I very much like Jim Morrison’s definition but I think this one by American businessman Arnold H Glasow is even better: “A true friend never gets in your way, unless you happen to be going down.”

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